The side effect of TSH suppression – insomnia, but yet exhaustion. The side effect of insomnia – too much time to think. So, here it is…like a record playing over and over every night until 1 am, the collections of what I know and the chatter that is in my head.
1. I know the type of thyroid cancer I have is usually treatable, but that it turns into a chronic illness.
2. I know the type of thyroid cancer I have has a higher rate of reoccurrence years down the road, but is still usually treatable.
3. I know my new cancer team is outstanding, compassionate, supportive, and rock solid.
4. I know not to take Percocet after second surgery. It makes me itch all over and paranoid. I know my great aunts are planning on giving me a good dose of Gin as a substitute painkiller.
5. I know I need to, right now, start cooking for my low iodine diet and freezing meals because I will hardly be able to get out of bed for the time period before RAI.
6. I know I will need to have loads of hard sour candy and water after I swallow the enormous dose of radioactive iodine.
7. I know I will have to be away from my family for a week to protect them from the radiation and then at arms length for a couple weeks after that.
8. I know I will have scans after treatment to see if any of the cancer is lingering. If so, I know I will have to prepare for RAI again and again, and swallow an enormous dose of radioactive iodine.
9. I know there is a lifetime limit of radiation you can have. I know if I use it up, I’ll have to do chemo.
10. I know I will have to be suppressed for the rest of my life in order to keep any cancer cells that could be hanging out, asleep in my body.
11. I know I have a wonderful husband who works really hard to keep our world together, even if I am falling apart around it.
12. I know I have two healthy awesome kids. I know it’s them that keep me going.
13. I know I have a new friend, Kerri, who is also a cancer warrior, and one of the strongest women I have met. She keeps me grounded. She is real and honest. Even though we have different cancers and treatments, she gets it. I feel very blessed to have met her. I know I will learn a lot from her.
14. I know my family and friends will be there.
15. I know I am scared of who I will become. What will be my new normal and will I be a burden?
16. I know I am scared I will not be up to pumpkin to be a good mom.
17. I know I am scared I will not be up to pumpkin to be a good wife.
18. I know I will beat this.
19. I know God loves me.
This is the chatter that goes on and on in my head. But, I know as I continue on in this journey I’ll be adding new tracks to my record. A record album that will play on forever reminding me how life can change in a second, how not to sweat the small stuff, how to live life one day at a time, how to love, how to laugh, how to treat others with compassion and kindness, and how to keep on moving.