So, here it is…

The side effect of TSH suppression – insomnia, but yet exhaustion.  The side effect of insomnia – too much time to think. So, here it is…like a record playing over and over every night until 1 am, the collections of what I know and the chatter that is in my head.

1. I know the type of thyroid cancer I have is usually treatable, but that it turns into a chronic illness.

2. I know the type of thyroid cancer I have has a higher rate of reoccurrence years down the road, but is still usually treatable.

3. I know my new cancer team is outstanding, compassionate, supportive, and rock solid.

4. I know not to take Percocet after second surgery.  It makes me itch all over and paranoid.  I know my great aunts are planning on giving me a good dose of Gin as a substitute painkiller.

5. I know I need to, right now, start cooking for my low iodine diet and freezing meals because I will hardly be able to get out of bed for the time period before RAI.

6. I know I will need to have loads of hard sour candy and water after I swallow the enormous dose of radioactive iodine.

7. I know I will have to be away from my family for a week to protect them from the radiation and then at arms length for a couple weeks after that.

8. I know I will have scans after treatment to see if any of the cancer is lingering.  If so, I know I will have to prepare for RAI again and again, and swallow an enormous dose of radioactive iodine.

9. I know there is a lifetime limit of radiation you can have.  I know if I use it up, I’ll have to do chemo.

10. I know I will have to be suppressed for the rest of my life in order to keep any cancer cells that could be hanging out, asleep in my body.

11. I know I have a wonderful husband who works really hard to keep our world together, even if I am falling apart around it.

12. I know I have two healthy awesome kids.  I know it’s them that keep me going.

13. I know I have a new friend, Kerri, who is also a cancer warrior, and one of the strongest women I have met.  She keeps me grounded.  She is real and honest.   Even though we have different cancers and treatments, she gets it.  I feel very blessed to have met her.  I know I will learn a lot from her.

14. I know my family and friends will be there.

15. I know I am scared of who I will become.  What will be my new normal and will I be a burden?

16. I know I am scared I will not be up to pumpkin to be a good mom.

17. I know I am scared I will not be up to pumpkin to be a good wife.

18. I know I will beat this.

19. I know God loves me.

This is the chatter that goes on and on in my head. But, I know as I continue on in this journey I’ll be adding new tracks to my record.  A record album that will play on forever reminding me how life can change in a second, how not to sweat the small stuff, how to live life one day at a time, how to love, how to laugh, how to treat others with compassion and kindness, and how to keep on moving.

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4 thoughts on “So, here it is…

  1. You are not alone. It just seems as times like this, we are. You just need to each out and allow others to HELP you with this fight. You have a full plate. What can I do that would be of help to you in this time?

  2. 1. I know that you are an amazing young woman.

    2. I know that you inspire me.

    3. I know that you will use this experience for The Good.

    4. I know that I am blessed to call you My Niece.

    5. I know that I love you beyond any words that I could write.

    6. I know that I will do anything to help you…just yell.

  3. You, my friend are real and have helped me more than you will ever know.WE will beat this beast together and WE will win. I have no doubts. Today, I’m feeling low. Tomorrow you may have your day, but know that we have each other and throughout it all, we’ll come out on the other side! Maybe we’ll get into that Gin from your aunts, not only for pain, but pleasure and laugh at how miserable we once were! 🙂 Love you, friend!

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