This morning, I have tears

I didn’t sleep much last night – it’s hitting me, but at 6:30 am, as with every morning, I started packing lunches and snacks, laying out clothes, fixing medicine, packing book bags, the normal stuff….and I then heard my youngest wake up and chant, “Mama, Mama, Mama” just like he does every morning when he is ready to get up.  I went into his room and he had the biggest smile plastered on his sweet little face as if he hadn’t seen me in days.  Bear hugs and kisses were exchanged and tears started to flow and then my eldest joined in on the love. 

My heart aches that I have to be away from my family here very soon and the guilt of having to put them through all this is hard to handle.  I know I have to go and fight my battle not just for me but for them, but in the same breath, I’m so desperately going to long for those bear hugs and kisses.  For the next couple days I’ll just have to load up and hold on to them tightly until I return.

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4 thoughts on “This morning, I have tears

  1. You are one of the strongest women I know, Carrie. You are also an awesome mother, wife, sister, and friend. The next couple of weeks will be trying (for lack of a better word), but I know you, you will be back in your normal routine; sewing, quilting, caring for your family, and working before you know it! Know that you have a fantastic support group behind you who will be praying for you and will help you to the best of our ability. And yes, load up on those bear hugs — it will help tremendously! I love you!

  2. At the risk of putting my foot in my mouth….it sure is unfair that you have to feel any guilt, dear. The cancer is the one putting them through it. 😉

    And if it’s not too Pollyanna of me to add, in my many years of parenting experience and the one ugly, protracted medical experience, one thing I have learned is that these disruptions of routine, these unappealing paths, tend not to matter as much as we think they will and often something good (or great) arises from them that we otherwise may have missed out on because we would not have taken that road had it been our choice. Maybe you can take some comfort in looking for those during these weeks?

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