Emotional Spaced-out Blob

Today, has been the hardest day for me yet so far.  Harder than the day I found out I had cancer. Emotional, Loopy, Spaced-Out (without xanax), Exhausted, Drunk (without alcohol), Turtle – describes me today.

I think I have held it together emotionally pretty well since August 12th (day of diagnosis).  I’ve had a couple crying moments, angry moments, happy moments, laughable moments (when I thought a cow was a goat), and frustrated moments. Usually, I can, I wouldn’t say put up a front or fake it, but control myself and see the positive in just about anything.  I lost that control today…

Everything started well this morning.  I woke up at 6:00 am and got ready to go to the local medical center to get my blood drawn to see if my TSH level was where it needed to be for me to take my radioactive iodine pill.  So far so good, I made it there in about 30 minutes.  A little anxious, but not panic attack anxious.  Just a test I thought, if I am not ready, we test again next week.

Once I arrived, I checked in, filled out the required paperwork, and had a lovely conversation with the lady that was registering me.  She is a breast cancer survivor and had the most positive outlook on life and doesn’t let her cancer consume her every thought.  Life just radiated from her.  Blessing this morning. 

She pointed me in the direction of the lab and checked on me a couple of times while I waited to go in.  Such a loving strong woman.

I waited for about 10 minutes and finally it was my turn. Of course by this time, I was anxious, very antsy.  By the way, I talk a lot when I get nervious…A LOT.  So, in all of the 5 minutes it took to get my blood, the lab tech knew why I was there and what we were looking for.  Glad it didn’t take 10 more minutes, she would have known my whole life history.  She didn’t get annoyed (outwardly) one bit, bless her.  She told me it would take about 30 minutes for the results.  I talked with my sister a bit and then stared at this door for the rest of the time.  Yup, stared…I couldn’t even read a magazine at this time.  Nuts right?   

Now, the lab tech, she was funny.  She came out the door with that face of “I’m going to try to fake you out”.   “It’s close, very close” she said, then a sneaky grin came on her face.  At this moment, yup I lost it.  LOST IT!  I hugged her while crying at the same time.  I probably don’t want to know what she was thinking.  But again, she was so kind.  Another blessing this morning.

Side note: top range of normal before you become hypo is around 4…I went from 5 to 33 in 7 days and still climbing.  I get to start my meds on Sunday, then we start going back down.  My poor family that has to live with me while I go back down and then to a permanent hyper state and learn my “new normal”.

So, I get in the car and the crying turns into a little happy dance (sorry onlookers).  Then, I quickly became angry.  My phone kept popping on and off with signal.  I couldn’t tell anyone at that moment and I was very unhappy.  What do I do, I went the supermarket to try to get my prescriptions filled.  Another frustrating moment.  They didn’t have enough of my medication.  Seriously?  Cheese, I’ll go get cheese, I thought.  I can have it on Sunday.  I got my cheese and a couple other items and went to the check out. 

I know the lady at the cash register was thinking to herself what is wrong with this woman.  By this time my face was red, eyes were swollen with dark circles, and I couldnt’ figure out how to get the credit card in the swipe machine.  Not to mention, I got a buggy, for what reason I have not a clue.  To push around cheese?

I finally paid and headed out to the car and pulled into the closest gas station.  My eyes glanced up and saw a Publix.  Again, I got angry…all this time there was a Publix close (just as close as the supermarket that had not the best produce).  I actually got upset over a tomato! 

By this time I was exhausted, so I headed back to my parents vacation home.  I was able to talk to my mother and my dad on the way back.  This helped calm me down some. But I still had no concrete dates at this time, had to talk to the nuclear medicine division. 

I got to the house and I needed to call the endo nurse and nuclear nurse.  Timing was key today in order to have the radiation this week.  They have to get the order from the doc, nuclear departments needed 24 hours from placement of the order to prepare for me, and they had to coordinate the truck (3ish hours away) that was bringing my pill the morning of.  I couldn’t remember this phone number (vacation home) to save my life.  Had to get in touch with a friend so she could give it to me.  She was polite and said, “okay write it down and put it by the phone”.  Ha!

It was about 10:30 am by this time and hubby was still “orange” on google talk, so I knew he was working.  I was dying to tell him I was ready for radiation.  I called nuclear and thank goodness this process was painless and quick.  Be here on Nov 4th at 10 am for RAI and then your whole body scan will be Nov 14th at 11 am.  Done.

I ate lunch, talked to my sister, and rested for a bit.  Finally, got to talk to hubby about 2:30..he was GREEN.  Blubbering breakdown #2.  The minute I told him, he could tell our eldest to put it on her calendar that mom will be home on Nov 14th, I lost it.  We had a date.  We had a date when I could see my kids and when I could see my hubby.

Rested and watched episode of Revenge (per sister’s recommendation).  Then the phone rang.  Eldest.  Headed to get sushi with dad and beaming with the knowledge of when I will be home. I was too tired at this point to have another breakdown (so I thought).  We talked for about 10 minutes and then she went to eat.  She was happy.  I was happy.  We had a date.

Then the phone rang again.  Oh, how I wish I hadn’t answered this phone call.  I really do.  My mother.  She didn’t deserve what was to come and I am sorry.  The moment where all emotions exploded at once and I lost all control.  I think my brain was trying to find something just something to just let go. But she was a mom, she was there, she got through it and got me through it.  She knew I was having a rough time and at that moment it was with her.  Even though she didn’t deserve it.  She did what moms do…she made me laugh.  She told me a secret, random and out of the blue.  One I will not repeat, but it snapped me out.  And we ended up talking for another 30 minutes about random stuff nothing to do with my cancer.  It was good.

If you made it through all this chatter, bless you.  I talk a lot and not very well when I am unglued.  Hubby and I are playing scrabble through a phone app and he is so killing me.  My words: Is, dub, and deck.  With about 5 passes.  I am sure he is enjoying the turtle brain moment I am currently having.

When I go to bed tonight, at the end of the day:  We have a date.  A date when I can go home.

P.S. Unedited, too tired to check spelling and grammar, hope you don’t mind.

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3 thoughts on “Emotional Spaced-out Blob

  1. As someone getting used to a July diagnosis of incurable disease, I’m glad I stumbled across your blog this evening.
    And I, too, am involved with bobbins and thread.
    Looking forward to exploring your blog when it’s not so late.
    K.

  2. Love….love….love you. I have an occasional “Emotional Spaced Out Blob” days myself, and I am not in a cancer battle. They help us appreciate the next day. I think your Courage is amazing.

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