I’ve haven’t posted about how I am doing physically and mentally in several weeks. I guess you would say, I have been trying to pretend that everything is okay and normal. Seems to be easier and less stressful on the people around me. They don’t understand and it’s hard for them to especially when I don’t look sick. So, I have been trying to put on a smile and say I am good. If I forget to do something (which I do a lot now), I have been saying I am sorry and try to do better. I have been trying to be like I was before and keep everything else inside. I’ve been trying not to think about it.
Today, however, I had a set back. I had to go get blood work done. I’ll have to get this done often. One to check my hormones, calcium, vitamin d, PTH, kidney, liver…you name it. Secondly, to check my cancer marker. I cried all the way there to get the tests. It hit me hard that this is going to be a new normal for me. Bloodwork, ultrasounds, whole body scans. That this stupid horrible cancer will always be in my life and in my mind. Of course, the hosptial here doesn’t do all their labs in house, so I have to wait almost a week for results. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot of time, but when you are waiting to see if the radiation is working and if your cancer marker is decreasing – it is.
The lab tech today asked what the blood work was for and I paused. I don’t even know how to “label” myself. Cancer, not cancer, maybe still cancer, chronic illness because of cancer.
I do not like that I can’t do everything I use to be able to or feeling like I have to take a nap every couple of hours. Yesterday, I tried to do yard work, which I love to do, but my body would not let me. It really upset me. I promised T that we would make homemade yogurt this week (she seems to eat more of the healthy things if she has a hand in making it), but it’s now Friday and we haven’t made it yet. I can barely get dinner cooked. Let’s not talk about the house, it’s a disaster area. Dishes are clean though! Come to find out being hyper (to keep cancer from growing) without a thyroid really sucks physically!
I keep telling myself that this journey has just begun and that with each day further away from treatment I will start feeling better as my body adjusts. I hope this is true. If not, I’ll have to learn to live with my new normal and make the best of what I can do and try not to worry about what I can’t. Or worry about others getting upset and mad if I can’t do something. It’s hard though. I am also going to have to learn how to let cancer not consume my thoughts. I don’t want it to.
I am going to stop now with this “how I’m doing” entry. The phone call I just hung up from (not you hubby if you are reading this) proved once again it’s better for me just to pretend that I’m okay. It’s going to take time for me to figure all this out. Someday.